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As the days as been so long … the nights have been even longer.. I have visited night have night only a few of OUR special spots. I have sat in dead silence in the dark just listening waiting in the pitch black late night with the stars above my head wondering remembering us being here. Memories replaying through my head of everything. Oh how it makes me smile as the tears ran down my cheeks falling from my eyes as the silence of the night fell silent. I decided to get out and walk into the deep dark woods alone looking for sashqush. As I came upon a huge log I sat down the smell of stench and I could the sounds of tree branches snapping my heart started to race. My breathing getting heavy as I was trying to control it and not be noticed. I laid down very still. As I did in the dark I felt a calm peace come over me as I closed my eyes just thinking of you and just how many times we had been there and all the times we sat down there. I felt something hit me 3 times laying there. I said hello … no answer… I got beamed in the back as I sat up .. I said ouch hello .. no answer… I started to walk I heard foot steps .. heavy breathing.. I said I’m not here to hurt you I just want to see you crying the whole time this is going on .. I fell to my knees by vehicle screaming your name I just want you here!!! I grabbed my phone out of my vehicle barley any service I FaceTime my bff so I can see her face and well .. I get in my vehicle and head out… I have returned back to this spot several times and back into the woods to the same spot there is a small section a a flower was laid there the following 3 days later… there is something deep in the woods… he hears …. he is there…. we will find him …. together …. I miss you 😘 but you are not gone just temporarily unavailable but not for long I know that you will be back all in due time good things like me are well worth the wait .. just wait and see you will be back I know you will… poison ☠️.. 💋 We will find the monster that leeks in the night together and be together I am sure of it just wait and see … I have no doubt!

My healing and rehabilitation of going through things began with me and I’m over the push and pull method the always being here for and always being needed when needing something but not needed when not needing something. My self worth is worth more and yes some people deserve 2,3,4… chances however if I continue to allow myself to be here and be asked to the repative push pull along with the passive aggressive behavior to continue then it’s enabling them to tear me down and treat me like crap I am worth more and I am better than that!! Therefore my life is worth more! You can’t continue to come in and out of my children and mine life’s when you choose either you are in and choose to stay it and stay in contact or you STAY out completely and out of contact!! Daily contact is needed how hard is that!!??? It isn’t do you do it with others?? that seem so important ?? it isn’t it’s about how . Love ,loyalty ,honesty & trust !! You have to be real with yourself stop fake and face it and search deep with yourself and decide only you can do that within yourself! Everyone has been there we all think we have to fake it til we make it in reality it will eat you up!! This is not the truth you have to take all your skeletons out of closet face those demons and deal with them or they will destroy you from the inside out!! They will destroy your life and relationship so think about that! So you have to decide no matter what one says or has said repatively over and over and you are the one who takes actions on people who speak when angry words that can’t be taken back are the worst kind of words. The best thing I have learned and taken away from my psychology class this semester is learn to walk away stop the communication and speaking and cool down and let the other party just keep going and don’t act to them! I’m learning how much I have grown and it’s so great from where I was! It’s awesome to see my own growth and it’s funny I can sit back and laugh at my own self to know a year ago I would blown up now I just laugh or just realize how much someone is replaying a loop in their head and truly stuck and I’ve moved past that loop yet they think I have not when you grow it’s oddly satisfying how weird you look at things! Yet it’s always funny how you take and realize how you use to react now you just like sit back and know not to react! Growth! 🙌🏻🙌🏻✊

Getting where I want to be booty gains and flat belly yes!!

Memories

Happy Father’s Day these boys have might not always see eye to eye with their father and he might not of always been there everyday due to his military career but he always provided for us and them. We are always greatful and thankful! 2019 Hope it was a good one.

My protection ❤️❤️❤️

Welp the end of the near is coming … am I ready ?? Hmm well as they say the show must go on and such as life we must pick ourselves up and keep pushing forward. No matter how hard it is no matter how hard of day you are having you must keep pushing. Smile, be happy and keep pushing and stay positive. Everyday is new day. We must remember the lessons in life we have are ones that are taught to us. Reacting some want us to react we control how we react and when we feed into them that’s when they enjoy it the most. When we call them out on it they get fill with more anger and rage because we have called them out on it. Some can handle the fact we have called them out on their own actions and don’t like it well that’s life but see when you make vowels you become one with that person and you vowle to protect that person and if you don’t chose to stand up in front and behind this person then why bother if your just going to talk about then behind their back this isn’t worth it and isn’t going to work you have to be able to make time to talk and really listen and hear their side and be open and vise versa see commutation takes time especially when you age you learn how to do this better but also when you age done a routine for so long the you get stuck in a way then you have to make adjustments and it takes both parties and adjustments on both sides. You can’t just “sweep dirt under a rug and call the floor clean “ it’s still dirty! So sometimes it takes sitting down and going over things several times in order to make things rights regardless and sometimes it takes a mural person to make you both see or help but doesn’t mean placing your business out there unless it’s a professional to help you and there is no shame in that at all! Just get the help you need in order to succeed and support you need to make it work.

I am an extroversion type of person I am also a A type personality which means that I am more likely to do the following according to Wikipedia: The two cardiologists who developed this theory came to believe that Type A personalities had a greater chance of developing coronary heart disease.[1] Following the results of further studies and considerable controversy about the role of the tobacco industry funding of early research in this area, some reject, either partially or completely, the link between Type A personality and coronary disease. Nevertheless, this research had a significant effect on the development of the health psychology field, in which psychologists look at how an individual’s mental state affects physical health.[2] well then.. with that being said I also do not like to have failed or have failure but that is how we succeed in life and most geniuses succeed by failure however that is now marriages succeed. Which is why now I feel so empty, broken hearted and feel like I am slowly at the end of my happiness in my life. Yes I have my children and yes I have friends but my whole family I don’t have which makes me feel complete. I didn’t want the divorce I wanted my family and i tried and did everything possible in my power to try and keep my marriage short of moving back to Tennessee which my husband told me if I did he would blow his brains out right in front of me. I didn’t want that so in order to keep him from doing that I stayed in Arizona with our son. I have tired and cried and done all I can do. It truly sucks I have wiped the tears away from our child’s face, sleepless nights, fought our sons battles of hurt and pain and tried to make him see how loving both his parents are and we love him that he truly lucky but he hates the Army and blames them for making his father the way he is emotionless towards us except anger maybe one day we all be civil and I wish he wouldn’t broke a promise he would of made that we would be married til death due is part and he would never break my heart cause I never would of said “I do “ or asked him to marry me in the 1st place just be a single mother again. Life and society is hard enough but to be this hard again 16 years later and back in the world no insurance with my health issue and alone with my family and all that is going on just sucks. All I have is myself and my son, that is ok my mother in law bless her I am still able to talk to her and my therapist well is good and school and work keep me busy too. My daddy well I’m not ready to face that music but time is near and as I sit here crying typing this I’m going home soon so I can be with him for a few days so that will be good anyway to see him touch his face and at least he feel my face even though he can’t see it anymore. Sucks and he is dying. Which breaks my heart. My husband and dad have always been my rocks I am loosing both I think I might honestly die of broken-hearted diease if this happens at a young age because this is a lot to process. Being the fact my daddy has always taught me everything and my husband was good and taught me something’s but he was always there for me he might not of stood up for me like I thought he should of but that is my opinion he choose his bff over his wife it is what it is at this point as he said. He lost his family and only has his bff friend and her gf now and not even his children which sucks. If only she would of apologize to me and stop being such a dick to me and talked to me we could of all been friends again but her right! I hate feeling this way but I pick myself up everyday and fight for myself and for my children I’m not even angry with her or him I’m angry at the situation and the the fact I lost my bff/husband and he doesn’t care! That hurts life is harsh and they wonder why soldiers get divorced this is why their heads and PTSD screws them up!! Seek help get counseling and no reason to feel ashamed mental health is important! Friends should stay out friends marriages that is drama not needed! Causes more damage than good! I hate drama!